ugh

i’ve been reading hayley william’s old blog posts. how does she do it? i think i need to get therapy for having this stupid brain. i can’t remember the last time i actually had provoking thoughts and ideas that made me want to create. i used to write the most beautiful poems, make unique drawings and designs, but now i feel like i’m sitting in a shell of my former self, who i really was. i feel so lost. what can i do to get out of this rut? there’s nothing i can do but get therapy and find ways to “fix” myself. no matter how much i try, it all seems so useless. this hopelessness is killing me on the inside, i don’t think i’ll be able to take it much longer.

 

it seems like she has so much to say, and says things at the right time. i’m such an awkward girl. yesterday i went to a mental health event where people shared their stories, and we split off into little groups to do so, and everyone shared their story except for me. when the group asked me for input on their stories, i didn’t know what to say… i felt so stupid. i made something up, but i have a bad habit of saying “so…yeah” at the end of my stories so i looked like a complete idiot. i could feel how uncomfortable i was in that moment and it made me feel worse. i could barely speak, i know everyone was in the same position in terms of mental health but i felt so out of it, i rejected all my feelings and never got any help. at least the people in my group had supportive friends, boyfriends, families etc…

 

i want to change the way i speak, my inflections, my tone, my articulation, everything, is just completely terrible.even my facial expressions are very awkward. i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change.

i want change now. i’m sick of living like this. 19 years old and barely able to function

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listening to old music at 3am

the entire house is sleep. there is dead silence and i plug in my headphones and listen to music that i used to love years ago. the nostalgia flows through my veins as if it were my blood. though my eyes are wide open, i’m in a state of trance and i can imagine various scenarios that have taken place in my life as i link them to the songs i listen to. my sister is sleeping on the other side of the bed, i’m bopping my head to the sadness that fills me. i stay awake though i know i have to get up early in the morning to go to school. i don’t care. music is a big part of my life and when i get sudden rushes of adrenaline i have to do something with it or else i crash without a purpose. imi ga nainda ne. i’ve always been the kind of person who enjoys sad/nostalgic melodies. maybe it’s the reason my arcana is hierophant. i’m living in the past, i admit it. i want to stop but i can’t, it just feels so good. i’ve done this too many times, the loneliness envelops me and i’m unable to even cry- my tears have been swallowed up by the darkness i sit in

Summer’s already over

Summer ended in the blink of an eye. I was so busy the whole time that I didn’t even notice it all fly by.

I have school tomorr- uh… today. I’m really nervous actually. It’s almost 4 a.m. here but I can’t sleep. I blame my summer sleeping schedule.

I’m really nervous for school to start, especially because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I did in the second semester of my first year. It ruined everything. My whole flow. This semester/year, I have some important goals to keep in mind. Here they are:

  1. Stay on top of all my work – do reading, homework on time.
  2. WORK FIRST, PLAY AFTER. also, work hard, play hard.
  3. fix sleeping schedule
  4. regularly hang out with people!
  5. GET INVOLVED!
  6. TIME MANAGEMENT.
  7. also give time to yourself and your family.
  8. raise gpa from 2.00 to at least 3.00
  9. get an internship in summer 2018
  10. DO THINGS!!!!!! DON’T BE AFRAID TO JUST DO THINGS.
  11. GET HELP FOR MENTAL HEALTH. be the person youve always been.

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Current Anxieties

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  • Nobody likes me.
  • Am I alone because I hate everyone or because everyone hates me?
  • I should be working out.
  • I wish my clothes size was smaller.
  • I wish my legs were thinner.
  • Do I really love what I’m studying?
  • My sister has a better life than me.
  • Why don’t I have friends?
  • What am I really doing with my life?
  • Why did I waste the last 5 years of my life?
  • What’s the point of anything?
  • How will I learn how to pay my bills?
  • I don’t want to crash the car when I drive.
  • Why do my cousins get a better life than me?
  • Why do I keep saying obvious and stupid things?
  • Why couldn’t I have been born [redacted]?
  • What if my phones dies while I’m in the middle of the city and I don’t have a portable charger on me?
  • I wish I was extroverted
  • “Tell me about yourself”
  • How do I talk to people?
  • How do I make new friends?
  • Why do I already have a white hair I’m only 18
  • What if I get too hot, too cold, too itchy, too uncomfortable, too revealing?
  • Will I be underdressed or overdressed?
  • Why am I wasting my time?
  • Doing things that don’t matter?

Goodbye, Things By Fumio Saski

Noticeable Quotes

“No matter how much we wish for something, overtime it becomes a normal part of our lives, and then a tired old item that bores us even though we did actually get our wish. And we end up being unhappy.”

 

“ You can’t predict your future feelings”

Can’t even predict your state of hunger.

No such thing as a lazy personality.

Anything can pretty much be changed smiling face with open mouth , just build it into habit.

When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” –Lao Tzu

Whatever you do will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it.” –Mahatma Gandhi 

The author often brings up Zen Meditation a sense of reinstalling your mind.
Minimalism reduce stress, which helps us eliminate the food and drink costs that had previously existed just for stress relief.
Around 50 seconds be able to leave with everything you want.
“The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.” Albert Einstein 
Think of yourself as just another human being   just like a duck or turtle that swims around in a pond living life.
“Science is beginning to show that doing something for another person might actually lead to happiness.”
“Trying to wash dishes that aren’t even dirty yet.”
Gokan no Ge , or the Five Reflections   Meal Reflection
“Letting go of what happiness should be”
Happiness depends on how you interpret it. Happiness isn’t something outside you; it’s within you. Happiness is always in your heart.
But I will now close my mouth, hoping that you will open yours. 
Minimalism is a method not a destination. 

4 Things I’m Cutting Out of My Life

  1. Tumblr. I’m not going to spend hours on there trying to maintain an “aesthetic blog”, my goal is to find a couple of posts to put in my queue, and let Tumblr post 1 post a day on my blog. I feel so much better now that I’ve started to use it less often.
  2. Friends that leave me on read/seen without any good reason, friends that don’t reach out to me ever. I don’t need all that negativity in my life. Haha who am I kidding though, if I don’t reach out first I’m pretty much a loner.
  3. Reducing my time on Twitter.
  4. Reducing my time on the Internet in general. To be honest, I spend a lot of time doing literally nothing on the Internet. I should try and use this time to do something productive instead.

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5 Reasons To Keep A Journal

  1. You will have a therapist/someone who will listen to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week – someone who will listen to all your problems without any negative consequences.
  2. You will have something to look back on and have a way to track your favourite (or hated) memories.
  3. You will have a place to clarify, organize, and visualize your thoughts instead of them jumbling around in your head and staying in the back of your mind for ages.
  4. You will get a chance to reflect on yourself and your life.
  5. One thought leads to another – and promotes creativity!

Happy journaling!

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