i’ve been reading hayley william’s old blog posts. how does she do it? i think i need to get therapy for having this stupid brain. i can’t remember the last time i actually had provoking thoughts and ideas that made me want to create. i used to write the most beautiful poems, make unique drawings and designs, but now i feel like i’m sitting in a shell of my former self, who i really was. i feel so lost. what can i do to get out of this rut? there’s nothing i can do but get therapy and find ways to “fix” myself. no matter how much i try, it all seems so useless. this hopelessness is killing me on the inside, i don’t think i’ll be able to take it much longer.
it seems like she has so much to say, and says things at the right time. i’m such an awkward girl. yesterday i went to a mental health event where people shared their stories, and we split off into little groups to do so, and everyone shared their story except for me. when the group asked me for input on their stories, i didn’t know what to say… i felt so stupid. i made something up, but i have a bad habit of saying “so…yeah” at the end of my stories so i looked like a complete idiot. i could feel how uncomfortable i was in that moment and it made me feel worse. i could barely speak, i know everyone was in the same position in terms of mental health but i felt so out of it, i rejected all my feelings and never got any help. at least the people in my group had supportive friends, boyfriends, families etc…
i want to change the way i speak, my inflections, my tone, my articulation, everything, is just completely terrible.even my facial expressions are very awkward. i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change,i want to change.
i want change now. i’m sick of living like this. 19 years old and barely able to function
the entire house is sleep. there is dead silence and i plug in my headphones and listen to music that i used to love years ago. the nostalgia flows through my veins as if it were my blood. though my eyes are wide open, i’m in a state of trance and i can imagine various scenarios that have taken place in my life as i link them to the songs i listen to. my sister is sleeping on the other side of the bed, i’m bopping my head to the sadness that fills me. i stay awake though i know i have to get up early in the morning to go to school. i don’t care. music is a big part of my life and when i get sudden rushes of adrenaline i have to do something with it or else i crash without a purpose. imi ga nainda ne. i’ve always been the kind of person who enjoys sad/nostalgic melodies. maybe it’s the reason my arcana is hierophant. i’m living in the past, i admit it. i want to stop but i can’t, it just feels so good. i’ve done this too many times, the loneliness envelops me and i’m unable to even cry- my tears have been swallowed up by the darkness i sit in
Summer ended in the blink of an eye. I was so busy the whole time that I didn’t even notice it all fly by.
I have school tomorr- uh… today. I’m really nervous actually. It’s almost 4 a.m. here but I can’t sleep. I blame my summer sleeping schedule.
I’m really nervous for school to start, especially because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I did in the second semester of my first year. It ruined everything. My whole flow. This semester/year, I have some important goals to keep in mind. Here they are:
- Stay on top of all my work – do reading, homework on time.
- WORK FIRST, PLAY AFTER. also, work hard, play hard.
- fix sleeping schedule
- regularly hang out with people!
- GET INVOLVED!
- TIME MANAGEMENT.
- also give time to yourself and your family.
- raise gpa from 2.00 to at least 3.00
- get an internship in summer 2018
- DO THINGS!!!!!! DON’T BE AFRAID TO JUST DO THINGS.
- GET HELP FOR MENTAL HEALTH. be the person youve always been.