Sometimes, I just wanna get out this place and go somewhere far away, somewhere where no one knows me, somewhere where I can start fresh.
I sort of had this chance when I started going to university. I commute to school, to the “big city”. I thought making friends would be so much easier but boy, was I wrong. There are way too many people there and everyone seems to be caught up in their own things. What makes it worse is that many people are also commuting from different places, so the friends I do have, I can’t see them often or at all. Life is great, eh?
Wanderlust to me, and wanderlust to other people are very different. I can’t ever carry out my desire for travel because I feel stuck in this rut.
Losing friends -> anxiety. Can’t make friends because of anxiety? Don’t want to do things alone because I feel lonely because of anxiety. The friends I do have barely invite me places -> anxiety lvl up.
See that? It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to break it. So, I just sit at home all day and hang out with my family. I mean, I don’t mind it but it does start to get lonely after a while.
I have a “friend” (more like acquaintance, since we barely speak anymore) who came to my school all the way from Mexico to study here. She comes from a very rich family, has lots of friends all over the world, and is a very likeable and pretty person. When I first met her, I felt like it was too good to be true – that I was friends with her. Turns out she doesn’t need losers like me in her life anymore.
Since our summer break started two months ago, she has constantly been travelling with her sister/friends – Morocco, Portugal, different places in Mexico, etc. I start to feel jealous of her. I don’t understand how people get the opportunities to do things like these – maybe I am just a super unlucky person in general.
We started off at the same place in the beginning of our first year of university – we met at the same orientation. We are getting the same bachelor’s degree. However, just a few simple circumstances led us to different places at the end of the first year. She was living on residence of course, I lived at home and commuted to school. Result? She made best friends with people living in the same residence as her, as they were all international students, and she connected with them so it was easier. As for me, I couldn’t talk to and connect with many people, my interactions all felt forced, awkward, and painfully one-sided. After I felt into my downward spiral and didn’t go to school for almost a month, no one noticed, no one asked me how I was doing. When I came to school to write my exam, the “friends” I once knew walked right past me in a group like I never existed. Feels bad man.
I just wanted to rant about a bunch of things all at once. I feel better now that I’ve gotten it out.